Sanna's Bag

“I never seem to have what I need when I need it. I’m going to make a belt-bag that’s bigger on the inside than on the outside, and just carry everything with me.”

Monday, November 14, 2011

my worst date.

Back when I was single and willing to give it a go, a fellow asked me if I would like to go for a walk on a trail on Larch Mountain.  Larch Mountain is a bit of wilderness a scant 40  minute drive from the city.  It is steep and brushy, and at least one hunter or hiker dies there each year, through lack of attention.  But hey -it was a date.  And he waxed lyrical about this well-marked and maintained trail, so I decided to give it a go.  First, I dressed for the weather with multiple layers, a crackly sounding rain slicker, a good wool scarf and mittens stuffed in my pockets, sturdy hiking boots, and two pairs of socks.  Second, we took my car.  I'm not going into the woods with a stranger unless I know I can get myself out.  I picked him up, and he looked quite handsome and rugged in a polo shirt, jeans, windbreaker and sneakers.  I assumed, since he had gone on about the wonderful hikes he had taken, that he had expensive high-tech layers and one of those hooded raincoats that folds into a two-inch square pouch and fits in your hip pocket.  The ride up was quite delightful, as he was witty and charming.  He directed me to a parking lot, I locked the car, and he led off,  down hill through the undergrowth on a short-cut to the path.  I stopped, took a careful look around, oriented myself, mentally reviewed what I knew of the terrain, and followed him.  He continued to be witty and charming as we bushwhacked down toward this wonderful trail that he was sure was just a little further along.  Clouds built up.  The temperature dropped.  He chattered even more charmingly.  Finally I planted my feet and declared, "We've been walking for an hour, and we haven't found that trail.  Are you sure you know where it is?"

He got very silent.  Finally he admitted, "We might be lost."

I replied, "You might be lost, but I know that if we just go back uphill, we'll hit the road."

"But that could be miles away!"

"You wanted a good hike."

"Let's just sit down and wait.  Someone will come to look for us."

Then the sleet started to fall.  He did not in fact have high-tech layers or a rain slicker.  He didn't even have a baggie of trail mix.  I was lost on a mountain that eats stupid people, with a totally useless, if charming, idiot.  I gave him my wool scarf to tie around his head (Not even a hat - the moron!) and said, "I'm going home.  You can come with me, or sit here and freeze."  Then I headed uphill.  Rather than try to retrace our wandering path through the woods, I surged in a direct line toward safety, which led through a couple of rhododendron thickets already becoming ice-encrusted with the steady sleet.  The waste of skin trailing behind me began whining that his feet were cold and wet.  It rains around here.  What did he expect?  We came up against the foot of a cliff and paused for a breather. He turned east.  He had been drifting east all along.  If you go east DOWN the hill, you need to go west back UP the hill.  I snarled at him.  He snapped back.  I turned west and a few minutes later heard him thrashing along in my wake.  Pouting, he trailed behind me for another half an hour when the ridge we were climbing met up with the top of the cliff, and we emerged into a paved parking lot.  I set off briskly to the west, knowing the car would be about half a mile down the road.  At the far east end of the parking lot  I could see a lovely graveled, well-maintained path.  "Oh look!" the dumb bunny remarked.  "That's the path I wanted.  I must have gone to the wrong parking lot! Oh, dopey me!"

Fuming in silence, I strode down the road, found the parking lot with my car, got in and set the heater on high.  He opened the passenger door, settled his wet, shivering, blue-lipped self into the seat, And chirruped brightly, "That was kind of fun, wasn't it?"

I glared at him, and in my best thunderous roar, named him an anal orifice and told him to shut the fornication up or I would kick him out of the car.  I took him home, and warned him not to ever call me again because he was clearly too stupid to breathe.  He was at least bright enough to take my warning.

What was your worst date?

10 Comments:

  • At 2:03 PM , Blogger mplanck said...

    Anything I might dredge out of the past would pale by comparison to yours, Roxie. Thank god you were light years ahead of this in guy in smarts or it could have ended much worse!

     
  • At 5:00 PM , Blogger Amy Lane said...

    Wow... yeah... that's THE WORST date I've ever heard--but I love that you are a smart bunny and got yourself out of there!

     
  • At 9:05 PM , Blogger Rose Lefebvre said...

    I wrote about my first date on my blog and to read that particular post, go to:
    http://poetrose24.blogspot.com/2009/10/that-memorable-first-date.html

    It was a doozy! Warning: if you get queasy easily you may want to not read it.

     
  • At 12:54 AM , OpenID barbfroman said...

    Mary Jean and I are sitting here laughing our heads off at your post. We're supposed to be writing, but how can we with the Larch Mountain Screw Loose floating around the internet.
    Hilarious post.

     
  • At 4:58 AM , Blogger Donna Lee said...

    My worst date was with my husband as a matter of fact. We were going camping for my birthday (early November) and got a late start. We got to the campground too late to check in so we just pitched our tent. My period had just started and I was crampy and miserable and it was cold and rainy.

    When morning came, we discovered we were not in a campsite but in the middle of nowhere. We had to unn-pitch the tent and pack everything up and move. (later we discovered we'd lost one of the tent poles) I was in no mood to spend another night in the woods so we went home to a nice warm apartment and food cooked inside and warm dry towels. We laugh about it now.....

     
  • At 5:22 AM , Blogger KnitTech said...

    Did you know light travels faster than sound? That's why people appear bright until they talk.

     
  • At 11:35 AM , Anonymous Benita said...

    Whoa! You win - hands down. Mine was just a guy who wanted to communicate with his hands, rather than vocally.

    At least you told the guy what you thought of him.

     
  • At 12:16 PM , Blogger Lyssa said...

    I don't know that I've ever had one that bad...other than some awkward meet-the-family things. But then, I pretty much always dated people I was already friends with. Much easier to make conversation that way!

     
  • At 7:33 PM , Blogger Galad said...

    Can't say I ever had a date that bad. Glad you are a smart and practical woman or you might still be out there!

     
  • At 11:41 PM , Blogger Tara said...

    These aren't nearly as awful as yours but they might be worth a chuckle...

    Guy shows up at my door to pick me up for a movie. He asks if he can use my microwave. He proceeds to burn microwave popcorn and make the house stink, but he insists on taking it along anyway. We drive to the movie theatre in a car that smells like burned popcorn and has a dashboard lined with glued-on figurines...which leads to a discussion of his extensive figurine collection that he is borderline obsessive about. After arriving, he stuffs the full bag of popcorn, a package of Oreo cookies and several other snacks and drinks into his coat in a completely conspicuous manner. When buying tickets, I have to wait as he argues about his coupon while fidgeting so that everything doesn't fall out of his coat. Every time he would reach out to hand the coupon or money over, you could hear the loud crinkling of his contraband snacks. During the entire movie, I listen to him pawing through the loud packaging of his various snacks (which, in his defense, he did try to share) and endure the glares of other movie goers. Once the movie is over and I see the light at the end of the tunnel, we walk back out to the car only to discover that he locked the keys in the car. He calls his dad who happens to be a tow truck driver. After 20 minutes of standing in the cold, his Dad shows up with a spare set of keys, hands them out the window while giving me an obvious up and down look, and then gives his son a hearty thumbs up right in front of me while exclaiming, "Well done!" I was speechless.

     

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