This morning when I went out to get the paper at five aey em, I saw two natural phenomena: One was a corn-yellow crescent of a moon glimmering through the tiny baby maple leaves.

The other was two raccoons courting on the front lawn. Ok, enough with the euphamisms. They were well past courting. They were caught in the saddle, grunting, and thrusting. Now, I despise raccoons. They are not dear, friendly, playful disneyesque creatures. They are disease bearing, cat-killing, garbage spreading vermin, and I was not going to stand idly by while they were making more of the same. I ran at them, hissing, growling, and flapping my arms, and succeeded in committing raccoonus interruptus. The female ran off across the neighbor's yard to the north and skittered up a telephone pole.

The male, however, was outraged and squatted, glowering and growling till I was within kicking distance, when he finally sideled a few feet away, then hunkered and snarled at me. I pulled off a slipper and threw it at him, demanding that he get the f___ out of my yard.. He shrieked and snapped at it. Then I proceeded to throw gravel, sticks, my other slipper, the paper, everything but the paperbox at him, and barefoot and growling, I chased him into the next block and up a tree.

The neighbors must love me. Five in the morning I'm flapping barefoot around the neighborhood in my bathrobe and yelling at raccoons. Honestly, I'd call the police on me.