Sanna's Bag

“I never seem to have what I need when I need it. I’m going to make a belt-bag that’s bigger on the inside than on the outside, and just carry everything with me.”

Wednesday, August 07, 2013

Medic?

Yesterday I went to the doctor, and when he heard that the fever has come back three times in four months, and it runs from 99 to 102, he evidently decided that I'm not a hypochondriac, and sent me out for a mess of tests.  They have this little setup like a tiny hat on a string, and one end of the string has a needle on it which they stick into your arm.  Then they put the little hat over a variety of vials and bottles and each one fills up with blood.  Then they did it on the other arm as well.  Is my blood different in my left arm?

I had a sweet phlebotomist who cheerfully chattered away the whole time so I wouldn't notice that they were drawing off about a cup of my vital fluids.  Used to be I went all woozy at the sight of a needle.  Guess you can get used to anything.  I went through the whole complicated process with not a single wooze.

Then I had to give a urine sample.  The guy that used the bathroom before me evidently didn't understand that you can lift the seat before you start to pee.  He liberally sprinkled the seat, the floor, and the back of the toilet.  Ewwwwwww! I nearly DID get woozy then. Did you know that a disgusted woman can successfully give a urine sample from a standing position?

And THEN, I went over to the next lab for a chest x-ray.  The young x-ray tech asked how I felt.  I said, "I kinda feel like goose poop."  That got his attention.  I explained that I felt crappy, but not enormous elephant crappy and not fierce lion poop crappy, just sort of small but abundantly  crappy - like goose poop.  He enjoyed that quite a bit.  By that time I was dehydrated and draggy, and running a low temperature, so he was kind to me.  All the staff at Kaiser are kind!  I peeled down, put on a gown, and went into the dim room with the joyful knowledge that I was not going to get my boobs mashed for this.  "Put your chest against this plate.  How long IS your neck?  You should NOT be able to rest your chin on top of the machine.  Let me raise the machine a bit.  Roll your shoulders forward.  I have never seen such a long neck.  Hold your breath.  Breathe.  Turn sideways.  Put your arms up by your head.  Did you do something to make your neck that long?  Stretch it out some way or something?  Hold your breath.  Breathe.  I'll just go check these to make sure they're ok.  You can sit down in the chair.  You're golden.  Go ahead and get dressed.  Hope you feel better.  Swan poop.  You have a swan-like neck.  You should tell people that you feel like swan poop."

That is rather more elegant.  I'll bear it in mind.  I didn't tell him that I suspect I might be an alien.  That would be sure to skew all the test results.

Some of the results are coming in already, and we have a medical system that e-mails us the results of our tests.  So far, my white blood cell count is elevated.  Everything else seems normal

10 Comments:

  • At 11:10 AM , Blogger Rose L said...

    Hmmm...well, you have been out of the country, so maybe a bug took hold. Let's hope not. You could have an acute infection (wounds?), a bacterial disease, viral diseases, Chronic myelomonocytic leukemia. Let's hope it is something easy to treat!!!! I will say a prayer for you.

     
  • At 4:51 AM , Blogger Donna Lee said...

    I have been fortunate in that most of the time when I have had to be poked and prodded for medical reasons, the pokers and prodders have been good folks.

    I hope the elevated white cell count just means minor infection and that's all. Fingers crossed here for you.

    (and Swans look like they should poop perfect little round spheres of gold......)

     
  • At 5:18 AM , Blogger Saren Johnson said...

    (hugs)

     
  • At 6:00 AM , OpenID psobrien said...

    I'm sorry you weren't feeling well, but I have to say you made my day! LOL!!!! You put into words the EXACT way I feel going to the doctor. Good thoughts to you and get well soon!!!

     
  • At 8:23 AM , Blogger Acorn to Oak said...

    You always have a way of adding humor to every situation. I never thought about types of poop to describe feeling crappy. lol

    So sorry you're not feeling well. I hope they get it all figured out soon and that it's something very simple and easy to fix. Take care!

     
  • At 10:08 AM , Anonymous tlbw said...

    Prayers... keep us posted, friend.

     
  • At 12:50 PM , Anonymous Benita said...

    Goodness woman! The fact that you can make people laugh that hard while feeling poorly makes you special. The long neck just adds to it. :)

     
  • At 1:54 PM , Blogger Timothy Young said...

    Swan Poop! I love it. Now you know, you must get better. Who else can lighten my day like you do.

     
  • At 4:24 PM , Anonymous LindaG said...

    Love you, dear! Sending prayers for a quick recovery....

     
  • At 7:46 PM , Blogger Amy Lane said...

    Yes, but swans are mean, spiteful creatures, and you are far more gregarious and friendly, like a goose.

     

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