Medic?

Yesterday I went to the doctor, and when he heard that the fever has come back three times in four months, and it runs from 99 to 102, he evidently decided that I'm not a hypochondriac, and sent me out for a mess of tests.  They have this little setup like a tiny hat on a string, and one end of the string has a needle on it which they stick into your arm.  Then they put the little hat over a variety of vials and bottles and each one fills up with blood.  Then they did it on the other arm as well.  Is my blood different in my left arm?

I had a sweet phlebotomist who cheerfully chattered away the whole time so I wouldn't notice that they were drawing off about a cup of my vital fluids.  Used to be I went all woozy at the sight of a needle.  Guess you can get used to anything.  I went through the whole complicated process with not a single wooze.

Then I had to give a urine sample.  The guy that used the bathroom before me evidently didn't understand that you can lift the seat before you start to pee.  He liberally sprinkled the seat, the floor, and the back of the toilet.  Ewwwwwww! I nearly DID get woozy then. Did you know that a disgusted woman can successfully give a urine sample from a standing position?

And THEN, I went over to the next lab for a chest x-ray.  The young x-ray tech asked how I felt.  I said, "I kinda feel like goose poop."  That got his attention.  I explained that I felt crappy, but not enormous elephant crappy and not fierce lion poop crappy, just sort of small but abundantly  crappy - like goose poop.  He enjoyed that quite a bit.  By that time I was dehydrated and draggy, and running a low temperature, so he was kind to me.  All the staff at Kaiser are kind!  I peeled down, put on a gown, and went into the dim room with the joyful knowledge that I was not going to get my boobs mashed for this.  "Put your chest against this plate.  How long IS your neck?  You should NOT be able to rest your chin on top of the machine.  Let me raise the machine a bit.  Roll your shoulders forward.  I have never seen such a long neck.  Hold your breath.  Breathe.  Turn sideways.  Put your arms up by your head.  Did you do something to make your neck that long?  Stretch it out some way or something?  Hold your breath.  Breathe.  I'll just go check these to make sure they're ok.  You can sit down in the chair.  You're golden.  Go ahead and get dressed.  Hope you feel better.  Swan poop.  You have a swan-like neck.  You should tell people that you feel like swan poop."

That is rather more elegant.  I'll bear it in mind.  I didn't tell him that I suspect I might be an alien.  That would be sure to skew all the test results.

Some of the results are coming in already, and we have a medical system that e-mails us the results of our tests.  So far, my white blood cell count is elevated.  Everything else seems normal