Sanna's Bag

“I never seem to have what I need when I need it. I’m going to make a belt-bag that’s bigger on the inside than on the outside, and just carry everything with me.”

Saturday, November 20, 2010

May be more info than you want

My mom passed away on Wednesday morning, quietly, in her own bed. She hadn't been well, but no one expected death to be imminent. But she was 92 years old after all.

I have been quite reluctant to share this because I know you kind and generous friends will feel sorry for me, and I don't think I deserve anyone's sympathy. I don't feel particularly sad. Mom hadn't enjoyed life for years. Her body was failing, and her mind was unraveling. And now she's in heaven with God, free of all pain, and being loved completely and perfectly for the first time ever.

Or, if you don't believe in heaven and God, then there is the reality that everyone dies sooner or later, and mom had a good, long run.

She didn't want a funeral. She's outlived most everyone she knew. She wanted to be creamated, and to have her ashes scattered out at the cabin. So, come summer, we'll get the family together and finally release her. And it will be good to get the family together, at the cabin.

But I think, part of accepting that she's gone is sharing that new with people who care about me.

Yep. When I have been trying to explain my feelings to myself, it has been like opening a door to a long-closed room. It's dark and dusty and cold and stale in there. Sharing this with you is like opening the curtains. Think I'll go get a hammer and pry out the nails that have sealed the windows shut. We could use some fresh air and sunlight in here.

Thanks for being there, and thanks for being the sort of people I can be honest with.

15 Comments:

  • At 9:12 AM , Anonymous Lisa Nowak said...

    Roxie,

    I don't know what to say, because I think your relationship with your mother had some similarities to my relationship with mine, and I suspect the typical condolences don't quite fit. I'll just say I'm thinking of you and hope the sunlight and fresh air you're letting in helps you to sort out your feelings.

     
  • At 1:56 PM , Blogger Rose Lefebvre said...

    I wish I had known as I would have given you a big warm hug yesterday. Bless you.

     
  • At 4:10 PM , Blogger Willow said...

    Roxie,
    I'm truly sorry that you have lost your mom. Huh, lost isn't really the right word, is it? Your mom is completely found now and even though she is not 'with you', you still carry memories, happy and sad. John's aunt wisely said at one time, "Focus on the happy times and eventually you'll just forget the sad ones."

    If you need another hammer, you can borrow mine. Thanks for allowing us the privilege of helping to carry your burden.

     
  • At 7:02 PM , Blogger sophanne said...

    And thanks for sharing your life moments to make the ones we face seem at least familiar. We are all connected

     
  • At 7:04 PM , Blogger LA said...

    I'm sending a big ole hug across the miles....words are not necessary.

     
  • At 7:10 PM , Blogger Heide said...

    You didn't give more information than we wanted to hear. Life and relationships can be quite messy and complicated... especially with those whom we're related to because there is no choice in the matter. I am sorry for your mother's passing and I do hope that where ever she is now that she truly loves and appreciates what an amazing person you are. Hugs from up north and I hope that the gathering at the cabin next summer will be cathartic to you and your family.

     
  • At 7:23 PM , Blogger Donna Lee said...

    I understand those feelings. And I opened my own closed up room when my mother died a year ago. It was slow going at first but eventually the sun came shining through those open windows.

    I like thinking of lots of mothers up there having tea and telling stories about their families and the trouble they had with their daughters.

    My thoughts are with you and my hugs too.

     
  • At 3:28 AM , Blogger Rose Red said...

    Ah geez I am sorry, even though you didn't want any sympathetic noises, it's still a sad time. Hope the opening of the window and fresh air helps. Hugs.

     
  • At 9:09 AM , Blogger Galad said...

    Thank you for choosing to share the news about your mom with us. It sounds like her quality of life hasn't been good for some time and her death was peaceful.

    Getting the family together sounds like a wonderful opportunity for closure and release. Let the sunshine warm you and chase away the dark.

     
  • At 3:36 PM , Anonymous Benita said...

    Then bless her that she is no longer in pain and that she's very happy right now. 92 is a very long run, indeed.

     
  • At 3:41 PM , Blogger Bells said...

    I'm sorry Roxie. It's a strange, complicated set of feelings you've got there and you'll deal with them as best as you can. Take care.

     
  • At 6:11 PM , Blogger Wannietta said...

    Oh Rox, I'm so sorry. Even a blessed release leaves a hole - I hope that you can fill it with only the best of memories.

     
  • At 11:38 PM , Blogger Amy Lane said...

    Your warm, generous, sunshine heart could never be less than honest with itself. However you express yourself, whatever your little room looks like in the sunlight, it will be, for you, exactly the right thing.

    Love you, friend.

    Amy

     
  • At 4:11 PM , Blogger KnitTech said...

    Sounds like a good plan, to go the cabin and have a wonderful wake for Mom.

     
  • At 6:24 AM , Anonymous Louanna said...

    Your Mom must have been a very special person, look what she created, YOU!

     

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