Radio Drama - episode 4 - caution: Politically incorrect material

We join supermodel Intarsia, her fiancee pro-golfer Fargo FairIsle, and her ward, Purl Twotogether, in the diningroom of the Transylvanian Baroness Typopositive. She has gathered a group of madcap young Italians for a "Scarlet Ball," and her butler has just locked the only door out.

BAroness: Welcome, my dear, spicey, juicy young friends! I trust that you all followed my instructions to keep your destination a secret from your friends and family? It's so very important not to tell anyone where we are. We don't want any party crashers, do we?

(General murumuring of assent)

Baroness: As a special treat, we have the so famous supermodel Intarsia and her friends Fargo FairIsle and little Purl Twotogether. Do come here, my dears.

Purl: Nuh-uh. I'm not getting anywhere near her!

Fargo: Come on, Purl. Intarsia will hold your right hand, and I'll hold your left and we'll all walk up together. The closer we can get to the door, the happier I'll be.

Baroness: (Gasp) Intarsia, my dear, why are you wearing that hideous necklace? Really, you must take it off immediately.

Intarsia: You don't care for my black pearl crucifix? But it was blessed by the Pope. I think it sets off the ensemble perfectly. And Purl's little silver collar - so edgy, don't you think?

Baroness: Appalling! Take it off immediately!

Purl: Yeah, like I'll take orders from you!

Baroness: Look into my eyes. LOOK! I am overcoming your will with my own. You can not resist me. You will do as I command. Bare your throat to me.

Intarsia: Purl, your fly's unzipped.

Purl: What? No it's not.

Intarsia: Made you look! Now don't make eye contact with these skinny old folks. Look them straight in the fangs.

Purl: O my gosh! Tell that to Fargo! He's thrown his head back and pulled his collar open. The Baroness is biting him on the neck!

Intarsia: Fargo! Sweetheart, no!

Baroness: Ack! Yuck. How disgusting! He's not my type at all!

Fargo: AB negative. Too bad, baby. Intarsia, do you have those ebony needles I gave you last Christmas?

Intarsia: Always. Size 7 is my favorite! Let me show you, Baroness. Right through the heart!

Baroness: Stop them! (screams)

Purl: Wow - she just disolved to dust! Fargo, give me one of those wooden golf clubs.

(Screams all around them)

Fargo: Pull the head off this nine-iron. I'll use the driver.

(constant screaming and furor)

Intarsia: The vampires are attacking the Italian tourists. Let's get them!

Fargo: Great fancing technique, Purl.

Purl: Thanks! I didn't realize that if you clubbed them with a wood, it would drop them in their tracks.

Fargo: (grunt)It takes an accurate head shot.

Intarsia: Oh I love my pointy sticks! Stabbity stab!

(CRASH! BANG! Even more screaming and hubub)

VonHelsing: Take them out, men!

Fargo: We're mortal! We're mortal!

Von Helsing: Fargo FaireIsle? Intarsia? And you must be Ms Twotogether. I'm chief Inspector VonHelsing of the Vampire Eradication Department. What are you doing here?

Intarsia: We were on our way to the Versace shoot at Castle Turistrappe, and our car broke down. But what brings you here in such timely fashion?

Von Helsing: We got a tip from a troll. Baroness Typeopositive has developed a taste for Italian blood, so every month she holds one of her "Scarlet Balls" inviting wild youngsters from twelve different Italian cities. She and her friends feast, then throw the bodies off the nearby bridge. Our informer troll lived under it.

Purl: But, trolls aren't very bright. How could he tell you all that?

Von Helsing: He kept singing, "Drained WOPS keep falling on my head . . ."

(Cue theme music for "Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid")

END