Radio Drama, chpt 2.

Intarsia, her fiancee, Fargo FairIsle, and her ward, Purl Twotogether, are lost somewhere in Transylvania.

Fargo: We've been walking for hours. It's getting dark and we still haven't seen any signs of life. Maybe we should have stayed with the car.

Purl: No way! It was a dead zone. But now that we're at the top of this ridge, I'll bet we can get reception. I'll just climb this tree and see if I can pick up a signal here.

Intarsia: Be careful, Purl.

Purl: Whatever. (Sounds of scrambling)

Intarsia: Well, Fargo, even if Purl gets a call out, it'll still be dark before anyone gets here. We'd better make camp. Luckily, this little hike gave me time to finish this king-sized cashmere afghan, so we can all cuddle up together in front of the fire. Can you find some sticks, or will we have to burn your golf clubs?

Fargo: You keep your flaming fingers off my woods, Intarsia.

Intarsia: (Laughs)
Fargo: (Laughs)

Purl: (from above) Hey guys, there's a castle down in the next valley! If we hurry, we can get there before dark! (Great rustling of branches as Purl slides down)

Intarsia: Did you try your cell phone while you were up there, Purl?

Purl: Yep. There's only one bar, and it comes and goes, but I sent a text with our GPS so if it gets through, they'll know where to start looking.

Fargo: Who'd you send it to, Purl?

Purl: I sent it to Lightfoot, if it's any of your business, Fargo.

Fargo: Still have a schoolgirl crush on him, Purl?

Intarsia: Oh Fargo, quit teasing her. Lightfoot's a nice young man and a genius with a camera. But Purl, Lightfoot isn't working the Versace shoot. He's covering Brittany's birthday in Aruba.

Purl: Oh ratcrap!I forgot that. Shall I climb back up and try someone else?

Intarsia: No, I think we should just hotfoot it to that castle you saw. Surely they'll have a phone.

(Wolf howls in the distance)

Fargo: Feets, get heating!

(Footsteps of party hurrying away. Eerie music with animal sniffing and growling in the background. Then music down, and footsteps approaching.)

Purl: It's just around the bend of this road, I'm sure. Yes, there it is! See Fargo? See Intarsia? A castle, complete with a tour bus parked out back. We're saved!

(Wolf howls close by)

Intarsia: Just in time, too, Purl. That animal's getting much too close for comfort. What's it say on the side of the bus, Fargo? The light's gotten so dim I can't read it. Imagine, lighting the front door with oil lamps!

Fargo: It says, "Turis Bellisima, Genoa, Italy" How's your Italian, Intarsia?

Intarsia: I can order spaghetti ala carbonara anywhere in Rome, but I need sign language to buy shoes. How about you, Fargo?

Fargo: Nada. Purl, do you speak Italian?

Purl: I read Latin. And I know only enough Serbo-Croation to find the hotel. but all they have to do is LOOK at us to see we need help. We're tired, dirty, scared, cold, and I scratched my arm climbing that tree. See?

Intarsia: Why didn't you say something? I've got antibiotics and some bandaids in my bag.

Purl: Oh, it's no biggie. I didn't even know I'd drawn blood till I looked down and saw it smeared all over. Sure does make me look pitiful, though, doesn't it?

FArgo: With you bruised and bleeding, and Intarsia barefoot, we look like refugees. And oh my gosh, check out the doors on this place. They must be fifteen feet high! Oak planks with iron bands and hinges - they must weigh a ton. And look at the size of the knockers on 'em!

Purl and Intarsia: Fargo!

Fargo: What? This knocker is huge! It must weigh 30 lbs. I bet most people couldn't even lift it. (Grunt)

(Bang!)

Fargo: (Grunt)

(Bang!)

Purl: Let me give it a try, Fargo. What wierdo makes a brass knocker in the shape of a giant bat? (Grunt)

(Bang!)

Purl: Wow, I nearly hurt myself. What would you do if you couldn't lift that knocker?

Intarsia: You might use this doorbell. (tinkly bells play the deadmarch)

Fargo: I never even saw the doorbell. I was just too distracted by those enormous knockers.

(Creaking door)

Sergai: Buona nocte. (In the Bella Lugosi way of saying "Good evening" only in Italian)

Purl: Uh, hi! Do you speak English?

Sergai: Americans? Oh there must be some mistake. We weren't expecting you till next week.

Intarsia: Actually, you weren't expecting us at all. Our car broke down and we've been walking all day, and we really need a place to spend the night.

Sergai: Of course. Do come in. Oh, my dear young lady, you're bleeding!

Purl: Oh it's not bleeding any more, and it was just a scratch anyhow. Thanks for taking us in. I'm Purl. What's your name?

Sergai: I am Sergai, butler to the Baroness Typeopositive.

Purl: Pleased to meet you, Sergai. I'm Purl Twotogether, this is Fargo FairIsle, and this barefoot refugee is Intarsia.

Sergai: YOU are the famous model, Intarsia?

Fargo: Strike a pose, Intarsia.

Intarsia: How about "Amazon princess in chains?" Like this. (heavenly voices in perfect harmony "Ahhhh")

Sergai: It IS you! Oh, the Baroness will be SO pleased. Do come in. I'll show you to your rooms. Let me call some servants to carry your luggage. Oh this is marvelous! We are hosting a costume ball tonight. When you've washed and rested a bit, perhaps you would consider joining us. I'm sure we could find costumes for you.

Purl: Cool!

(Eerie music with howling of many wolves and a sound of scratching on the door.)