I got nothin'

Ok, I want to get back into the habit of blogging again, but the life of lazy retirement doesn't lend itself to action-filled tales.  Still, I know the only way to gat anything written is just to start writing, then delete the garbage.

So, yesterday my friend Linda came over and we took a walk.  Linda and I have known one another for decades and can say anything to each other - no judgement.  Women need friends like this, because often we need to talk our way to an understanding of what we are doing, why we are doing it, and - if we want to change - how to go about it.  I don't mean that we need someone else to tell us what we're thinking and doing, but rather, we need to hear our own thoughts out loud to know when they're honest.

I'm one of those kids that could always get the right answer. (Would you like the last cookie?  No, thank you.)   It took me a long time to learn that I needed the real answer.  (Would you like the last cookie?  I want all the cookies.  If I make my own, I can have them.)

In college, I filled notebooks with writing down my thoughts.  One thing I found very helpful was going back a couple months later and re-reading them.  Things that had been devastating at the time turned out to be things I couldn't even remember six weeks later.  I learned to put them into perspective and suffered much less devastation.

Also, in retrospect it became clear when I was wallowing in emotion for the glorious drama of it.  I learned to question the peaks and valleys, and moderate the artificial excesses.

The wonderful thing about talking with Linda is that I don't have to wait six weeks to figure out what I WAS doing.  When I talk to her, I can figure out what I AM doing.

Do men need to do this?  I don't know.  I DO know that I was trained from infancy to be, "good," and, "acceptable," and sometimes I still lose track of what's authentic.

Then, what to do about it?  yes, I "should" be kind and patent with this person.  Honestly, I want to grab this person by the throat and scream, "Stop acting like an idiot.  Half of your problems are your own stupid fault!!" Acknowledging both truths to be self-evident, Linda holds fast like a tall mountain peak to help me keep my bearings as I pick my way through the swamp.  Even when I'm up to my ass in alligators, Linda allows me to keep my sense of direction. She is the sounding board that resonates to truth.

Do men need to do this?  Do other women need to do this?  I know that I need to do this.  I need to give the real answers and feelings acknowledgement, or they fester and distort my thoughts and actions.  After 65 years, I have learned that when I bite my nails to the quick, tear at my cuticles, and worry my toenails till they bleed, I need to talk it out.  It's good to have a friend I can talk with.

And it's not all one-sided.  She can be honest with me as well.  Say the shameful things (I want ALL the cookies) without being judged or scolded.  We work from what is, rather than from what "ought to be."  (Sometimes, you don't get all of the cookies.)  We can offer one another new perspectives. (how about raspberries instead of cookies?) or validate each other's truths.  (it sucks when you can't have any of the cookies.)  And sometimes we remind one another of the things we already know.  (When you are up to your ass in alligators, it is difficult to remember that your initial objective was to drain the swamp.)

Yeah, I mixed my metaphors.  Sometimes alligators eat your cookies.  Linda and I always manage to find more cookies.  It was a lovely walk.